Yesterday afternoon, a tornado touched down in the Gerber area, sucking up a large number of eyesores including old lawn furniture with busted legs, BBQ grills with missing propane tanks, and a few broken down RVs. Authorities are not sure where all these dilapidated items went, but state that there are currently no plans to perform an active search for where the twister might have taken the mountains of missing things.
A few local hoarders were bereft at the loss of their yard items. One man lamented the loss of income from his weekly yard sale that has been ongoing since 1983. "It was all usable stuff. I had diversified my portfolio to include the sale of old engines, Ford Rancheros missing their back tires, and my mother's Holly Hobbie doll collection. Now I have nothing." His neighbors responded differently to the loss of the 3 decade yard sale. One fell to his knees with upraised arms, giving thanks to a higher power for this incredible twist of good fortune.
A local minister reports a revitalization of spirituality in the small community in the hours immediately following the twister. "This act of God is a sign that he prefers order in the world," he said. "Clearly, he is working through natural forces to give some Gerber residents a fresh start."
In other news, Chico residents in one neighborhood were madder than heck this morning at having their yards flocked, not with beautiful pink flamingos to benefit local fundraisers, but with random displays of used and mostly broken items. One local woman stood in front of her formerly pristine residence and pointed with confusion at an oversized, chipped up garden gnome that had appeared in her flower bed sometime during the night. On the verge of angry tears, she told reporters, "Here in Chico, we really enjoyed our preppy, college-town reputation that set us apart from the surrounding communities. Well, that reputation is completely gone now, at least in my neighborhood. There's a freakin' garden gnome crushing my organic flower garden…and one of my neighbors has a Holly Hobbie doll collection hanging from the bumper of an old Ford Ranchero that came from who knows where, and the worst part is, I don't think that thing's a hybrid."