Some of you wondered where I was last week... I apologize. I've been taking online classes and they're pretty fast paced. I got swallowed up by three essays. Big gripe that I like MLA format and I like lots and lots of commas. I like two spaces between sentences.  I also like to write in the passive voice. I hate APA format but I'm getting used to it. I will now give you the secret to my college success. It's a website that arranges your references / citations for you. Citation machine Bookmark it and give it to anyone who's in college 'cause it's a great time-saver. A friend of mine suggested that I show you some of my college writings.  Here are a few of my shorter online posts: Comment on Emily Dickinson's poem "I Heard a Fly Buzz When I Died" When I die, I hope it's peaceful and without any flies buzzing around. Flies annoy me and that's the last thing I want to hear before making my grand exit. On the other hand, if all my friends were at my side and crying, I'd be wishing to stay with them...an irritating fly might help me remember that life wasn't so perfect after all. Response to Emily Dickinson's Poem "Because I Could Not Stop for Death" "Because I could not stop for Death, it kindly stopped for me..." That's a kindness I'll politely decline! Response to Shakespeare's Sonnet "My Mistress' Eyes are Nothing Like the Sun" Shakespeare’s Sonnet CXXX contains figurative language, referring to his mistress’ hair by saying that “black wires grow on her head.” He writes “no such roses see I in her cheeks.” He writes about the “breath that from my mistress reeks.” The word reeks implies that it is offensive and permeating. She “treads the ground” brings to mind a lumbering giant. Referring to her hair as wires conjures up the image of thick, coarse, unruly hair. These images and implications help the writer describe the mistress as someone who lacks beauty and grace. The figurative language and connotations make this poem humorous. Wouldn't you like to take an online class with someone like me? I do try to make things as interesting as I can. I did have a scare though.  Earlier this week, I misread my grade for English and thought I had a 3%!  I was floored.  "How does a person get a 3%?" I wondered. Coincidentally, American Idol auditions were on the television as I was looking at my grade.  "3%!  You're kidding me!"  I thought. Just then, I heard a contestant say, "You're kidding me!" "I know I can write!" I thought. "I know I can sing!" she said. "But people like reading my stuff!" "But everyone likes hearing me sing!" It was eerie.  I imagined I was on "English Idol" and listening to Randy Jackson insulting me, "Dawg!  You got passive voice, your formatting is all wrong, and dawg, what's up with all those commas?  Sorry, dude, it just doesn't work for me." Maybe Simon Cowell would say, "You're completely slaughtering the English language! I've never heard such terrible grammar in all my life." Thankfully, I was later told to ignore the percentage grade as that is not my true grade...Whew!   (Did you notice that sentence?  "I was later told..." This is a fine example of a passive voice.  If one wishes to convey this thought in an essay, one should phrase it, "My teacher told me to ignore..." The passive voice is not grammatically incorrect, it just isn't clear and might require more thought on the part of the reader. The active voice makes it very clear who is doing the action. I like the passive voice, it varies the sentences in my writing. However, some people don't care for the passive voice. These are probably the same people who like motivational speakers. A motivational speaker could make a whole speech centered around being active and not passive. Hmmm...maybe my passive voice reflects my deeper issues...no, my deeper issues are reflected within my passive voice. I'm sorry, I've been writing too many essays.) Again, I'm sorry for disappointing last week. Next week, read my interview with California's Official Red Bluff Paranormal Society. Oh, yeah, we've got some paranormal stuff going on in Red Bluff. Finally, there are some people who can get down to the bottom of it. If you know of someone who is interesting and should be interviewed, contact me. Have a great week! Sign the Guestbook Back to the Home Page at www.redbluffismytown.com